A New Year, A New Feast

We have been dying to do another Gastricolium for months now. Financial, Professional, Legal, Social and Educational constraints have prevented us from it.

Please forgive us, oh beautiful Gastreae. As a token of our commitment to Your Museness, we will offer you the largest Gastricolium ever.

Gastricolites, stay tuned for Gastricolium Maximus in the next few weeks.

A visual document of Gastricolium III

The Gastrinauts would like to thank the Gastricolites for their valor that helped them surve the insanities of Gastricolium III.

The Old Gastrinauts and the new member, the Gastricoach prepared to start their official duties.

The smoked fish was served.
The party started.
A Gastrinaut was possesed by Beelzebub.
Gastrichaos ensued.

After a short break, to recover our health, honor and finances, we will announce a Gastricolium IV, where pumpkins won't be thrown onto the street. Stay tuned!

Three Gastronauts walk into a bistro . . .

Why Stixs Bistro is called a bistro we will never know. At a bistro we expect to find a menu, or chalkboard as in common in many bistros, with steak au poivre and pommes frites, French onion soup, baguettes, and wine. Maybe even a special or two. Certainly we did not expect to find a mixture of overdone meats and undercooked potatoes served on "stixs." In addition, a bistro shouldn't try to steal its ambiance and design from the Chipotle further down the street. Don't call it "Stixs Bistro"; no intrepid gastronomic adventurers, call it "Styx Bistro" because it is likely that you will wish you were crossing the river Styx in Charon's raft after eating at this cafeteria.

The first thing noteworthy about Stixs is the line to the cashiers. A jumbled mess of patrons blocks the entrance and starts lunch with the confusion of a routed army. We imagine this problem will be solved as soon as enough people have tried the food, and the lines disappear.

Stixs Bistro has a gimmick. Everything is served on a stick. A protein is impaled on a stick, sauced, and placed neatly over a bed of starch. For example a Greek tuna skewer promises to be something delightfully Mediterranean, served over couscous. I suppose that the marketers who came up with this menu are aware that couscous is not common in Greek cuisine, but they just assume we don’t know the difference between Greece and all those non-European countries surrounding the Mediterranean. The reality of the Greek tuna skewer was disappointing. The tuna was cooked until the waitress thought it was chicken. The stale couscous tasted like crap. The “Greek” sauce tasted like something that once said “Hidden Valley” on the side of its plastic squirt bottle.

The Argentinian Chimichurri platter featured a skewer of steak, red potato, mushroom and onion served over a bed of mashed potatoes with a creamed chimichurri sauce. The tough, chewy, well-done steak seemed to be boiled. The red potatoes were raw in the middle. The only thing enjoyable about this meal was the serving of mashed potatoes that were clearly of the dried flaked variety (fucking potatoes again!?!?). These were, thankfully, able to stave off the hunger perpetuated by this unpalatable meal.

Here is an interesting aside about raw potatoes, something that could really earn this slop house they title of “Styx Bistro.” Potatoes are a member of the nightshade family. They contain toxic compounds, called glycoalkaloids, that cooking partly destroys. Side effects of glycoalkaloid consumption may include headaches, diarrhea, and cramps. In rare cases glycoalkaloid poisoning can lead to coma and even death. Cook the potatoes.

“If you think it is reasonable to pay $6.75 for three pieces of "cajun" shrimp, two pieces of undercooked corn on a cob, and two pieces of uncooked potatoes served on a stick with a mayo sauce on the side, then your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries,” said one senior member of Gastricolium.

If you eat at Stixs, you better fucking love food on a stick, because that is the only thing this place has going for it.

The Gastronauts

Gastricolium III: post mortem

Bacchus, riding a cow and inspiring debauchery and madness, the bakcheia, pursues each Gastricolium. For the first Gastricolium, Bacchus merely passed late in the evening. For the second he stopped in after the main course. For the third however he arrived on time and sat with the Gastrinauts inspiring chaos and delirium on a scale not seen since the Gasticolii of yore. A portal to hell opened and Lucifer’s chief lieutenant, Beelzebub, entered the kitchen by way of his avatar the fly. He tempted us all with gluttony and drove us to insanity. He flew down my throat and for a while possessed my thoughts directly.

We have recovered and exorcised the demons of last Saturday. Only a few of Beelzebub’s minions still buzz around my kitchen. I would like to thank all those in attendance. We hope to throw Bacchus and Beelzebub off our trail by abandoning the regular schedule of previous Gastricolii. The date of the next one will remain a mystery.

On Some Qualities of the Gastrinauts

It is reported (by Graham Robertson in LIFE WAS WORTH LIVING) that James A. Whistler once said in his customarily iconoclastic way, "I don't why people make such a to-do about choosing a new cook. There is only one thing that is absolutely essential. I always ask at once, 'Do you drink?', and if she says 'No!' I bow politely and say that I am very sorry I fear she will not suit. All good cooks drink."

If Whistler meant that all good cooks drink to excess, his quip is only superficially amusing, and is part of the grim picture drawn by statistics which show that in many great prisons there are more cooks than there are representatives of any other one profession. Most cooks, it would seem, are misunderstood wretches, ill-housed, dyspeptic, with aching broken arches. They turn more eagerly than any other artists to the bottle, the needle, and more vicious pleasures; they grow irritable; finally they seize upon the nearest weapon, which if they are worth their salt is a long knife kept sharp as lightening . . . and they are in San Quentin.

On the other hand, some of the best cups I have ever downed were in the company of good cooks, men (and a few women) who were peaceful and self-assured, confident that they were artists among their sincere admirers.


-M.F.K. Fisher

Gastricolium III

Dear Invitees of Gastricolium III,

We are entering the weekend of our third Gastricolium. We are all slightly shaken by this week as Cesar had to get a year older and for some reason this meant everyone had to try to kill themselves with tequila. One young lady got so drunk that she popped a blood vessel in her eye while puking. I wont say who she is because it was also her birthday, and she is getting married in a year. Kevin was wise to stay home.
But we, the Gastronauts, are undeterred. Cesar is older and, therefore, better looking than ever. Kevin is more virile and potent. I have taken 5000% of the USRDA of vitamin C and will soon begin brining the fish. Prepare for tomorrow.

Come to #### Duval St at 7:00 PM. Bring wine and pray to Gastrea.

Love,

Dylan

On Gastricolite's Reaction

Utcumque ferculum, eximii et bene noti saporis, appositum fuerit, fiat autopsia convivae; et nisi facies ejus ac oculi vertantur ad acstasism, notetus ut indignus.

This has been translated by the sworn translator of the grand council as follows: Whenever a dish of distinguished and well-known savor is served, the host will serve his guests attentively, and will condemn as unworthy all those whose faces do not express their rapture.

-Brillat-Savarin

Vatel - Movie Review

Vatel

This excellent production focuses on the kitchen drama around entertaining Louis XIV with a "small feast" on the country side. To please the Sun King, the steward Vatel is determined to provide a week long festival with the most exquisite dishes. Love, death and unicorn meat are all featured on this highly recommended film.

On Gourmandism

Gourmandism is an impassioned, considered, and habitual preference for whatever pleases the taste. [...] it deserves praise and encouragement. Physically, it is the result as well as the proof of the perfect state of health of our digestive organs. Morally, it is an implicit obedience of the rules of the Creator, who, having ordered us to eat in order to live, invite us to do so with appetite, encourages us with flavor, and rewards us with pleasure.

-Brillat-Savarin

The Gastrosexual: Dessert

I learned to spell dessert, as opposed to desert, by the mnemonic, “Which would you want more of, dessert or desert?” You want more dessert of course, and thus we remember that dessert has more esses than desert. But this philosophy of dessert is wrong.

Dessert should be modest and discrete. Dessert should be of the highest quality but should never undermine the meal. Similarly in lovemaking, the post coital dessert should be relaxed and unpretentious. Even so the eater or the lovemaker would be remiss to forget dessert.

Take time after the main course to breathe in the fading smells of the dinner. There may not be too much to say at this moment and digestion is peaking. The blood is no longer in your brain because much has been devoted to your stomach and loins. Enjoy these moments and let your mind return before eating dessert.

Once thoughts are able to roost in your mind again it is time for dessert. The swimming ecstasy of the main event is passed. Cuddle with your lover and feel the touch of each other’s nakedness without the mind wrenching need to fuck. Dessert will bring flavors to the palate without the distraction of hunger. It is time to enjoy the bitterness of coffee, the tartness of limes, the pungency of cheese and the sweetness of flan.

Dessert marks the end of the meal. No needs are left and the cerebral experience of taste and touch finalize the evening.

Menu for Gastricolium III

Fall French Revue, Texas Style

start: Salmon mousse

soup: Garlic soup

main: Six times sauced, smoked fish

salad: Blanched lettuce salad

end: Assorted cheese


The wine for this meal should begin light and become darker and redder throughout the meal, finishing with a deep red that can withstand the assault of pungent cheeses. Ask the guys at Vino Vino if you don't have something already in mind. They have unique bottles and are quite knowledgeable.

We will break down the bottles as follows:

Kevin's guests will buy for the start: Chardonnay or some complex white, not sweet.

Cesar's guests will buy for the main: Pinot Noir or Pinot Grigio, a delicate red or robust white. No oak. This is very important, as the wood in the smoked fish and the wood in the wine will do battle in your mouth, the results of which will be dire and devastating.

Dylan's guests will buy for the cheese: Big and red.

Love,
Dylan

On the Benefits of Fish

"Analytical gastronomy has long tried to determine what effects a fish diet has on animal economy and the opinion is unanimous that they are strongly sexual and awaken in both sexes the instinct of reproduction. "

-Brillat-Savarin, p. 91, The Physiology of Taste

Toast of Gastricolium II

"And potent champagne, which acts best when served by beauty, has not been left behind; everyone sits down on the green grass and eats, and the corks fly; we chat, we laugh, we joke in complete liberty, for the world is our dining room and the sun itself is our light. And what is more, appetite, that heaven-sent emanation, gives to this feast a liveliness unknown to tight-shut rooms, no matter how beautifully adorned they may be."

-Brillat-Savarin

The Gastrosexual

Food can have the psychic jackhammer effect of slippery, hot sex, or the painful boredom of a dry jack. At Gastricolium we apply the basic principles of primal enjoyment to eating. Lessons from sex must be used in eating and lessons from the dining room table should be used in the bedroom.

It is no coincidence or cute literary device that eating and fucking are related. Both experiences can bring primal joy. We eat to survive so that we may fuck and make baby eating machines who will grow into full sized fucking machines and send off our DNA packets, on towards evolutionary oblivion. But we don’t have to approach sex and eating like monkeys, at least not all the time.

The joy from sex and food are fleeting. I can eat and fuck all day long, but tomorrow I will be hungry and horny.

In eating and sex it is best to take your time. A rushed meal will not bring nearly the enjoyment of a slow and varied meal. Start with an appetizer, the foreplay of eating. A little soup after that is a nice way to whet the palate. Eat the salad and have a break. Flirt and talk, the main course is coming. Return to the table and pour another glass of wine. The conversation has peaked and the odors of the main course fill the room. Dining commences. Some will dive headlong into the final meat, while others deliberately and slowly savor the dish to its end. Dinner is over and if everything was done well, satisfaction is assured.

May you all have fine ingredients, meticulous preparation and an adventurous spirit!

Crawfish Bisque

Crawfish Bisque, the second course, as it first appeared in Gastricolium II.


Shellfish Stock

Place the shells from 3 lbs. of shrimp (or other availble crustacean) into a stock pot along with 2 or 3 chopped carrots, 3 chopped ribs of celery, 4 or 5 smashed cloves of garlic, a bouquet of parsely stems, thyme, and bay leaf. Cover with water and add salt and pepper. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 15 minutes. Remove from heat and strain the solids, reserving both the liquid and shells separately. Return stock to heat and continue to reduce until a nice aroma and flavor develop.




Bisque

In a stock pot, heat clarified butter, then add the reserved shells. Saute for several minutes, constantly stirring. Add finely chopped yellow onion, celery, scallions and saute 8 to 10 minutes. Add salt and pepper and cayenne. Next add chopped parsley and thyme and saute for an additional 3 to 4 minutes, followed by minced garlic for an additional minute. Add flour to the mixture, constantly stirring for several minutes until it is thickened and there are no lumps. Once it is smooth, add the reserved stock and stir thoroughly to fully incorporate. Using an immersion blender, begin to puree the vegetables and shrimp shells. This must be done in shifts, with the soup being stirred in between and the blade of the immersion blender being cleaned and shells untangled from it. Blend until solids are pulverized. Season with salt and pepper and more cayenne. Add white wine, approximately a whole bottle. Bring up to a boil, then reduce heat and let simmer for at least 30 minutes, stirring frequently. Make sure the alcohol cooks off. Once a good aroma and flavor develop, remove from heat to strain. At this stage the bisque has been done correctly if its color is an brownish-orange in appearance and the aroma makes it unbearable for you not to taste your work. The taste should bring you to your knees. Strain the soup through a sieve and return to a low flame to keep warm.

Meanwhile, in a separate pan, saute 3 lbs. of peeled crawfish tails in clarified butter. Make sure the tails are washed, but try to not to clean off too much of the yellow fat. You will want to include this with the tails for extra flavor. Once thoroughly heated, slide the tails into the bisque and stir to mix. Allow the soup to cook for an additional 15 minutes over low heat, stirring frequently for the flavors to mix. Serve into soup cups or mugs and enjoy.

A visual document of Gastricolium II

The Gastrinauts would like to thank all the Gastricolites for making Gastricolium II such a great event.

Fish was butchered.

And brothed.
Shrimp was peeled.
And vegetables cooked.
Brillat-Savarin was read.
Wines served.

Toasts toasted.

And food was served.

Please post your comments, reactions or suggestions to Gastriculium II.
Stay tunned for Gastricolium III, where new artistic expressions will find their way into delighted stomachs.

Tostones with Mango Pico de Gallo

Tostones with Mango Pico de Gallo appetizer, as seen in Gastricolium I.

Tostones

Wash 3 or 4 green plantains (very very green!!!). Peel and cut into cylinders of about 1" height. Deep fry until golden. Use a plate to smash the cylinder into disks. Prepare some salt water with crushed garlic. Dip the disks into the garlic water, and deep fry again until golden. Serve while still hot.

Mango Pico de Gallo

Chop 3 mangos, one purple onion, 6 leaves of recao (culantro), and 3 jalapeños. Add salt and pepper to taste. Mix. To be used as dip for the tostones.

Inivitation to Gastricolium II - Saturday 13th, 2007

Gastricolium II - A Feast of Crustaceans


7pm Saturday, October 13th, 2007
Kevin's house.


Menu:


Inspiration was drawn from the food and culture of the greatest city on the Gulf Coast. Crustaceans are featured at the forefront in several of these dishes, though we will also see the appearance of pompano, pecans, chicory, alcohol, and flame.




1. Crab Cakes with Remoulade Sauce
2. Crawfish Bisque
3. Pecan-Encrusted Mozzarella with Greens and Onion Marmalade
4. Pompano en Papillote - pompano cooked in a sauce with various shellfish
5. Cafe Brulot Diabolique and Key Lime Pie


So that the guest is aware:

Each guest is asked to bring one bottle of wine that pairs well with the food. When pairing wines with Creole cuisine, it is common to choose sweeter wines due to the misconception this cuisine is hot and spicy. This is because many food lovers confuse that which is Creole with Cajun, its country cousin from southeastern Louisiana. Please permit a brief digression. Creole is most decidedly classical, not rustic, and urban, not rural. While Cajun food is an adaptation of French provincial cooking, Creole is blend of traditions that could only arise from the mixing of European, African, Caribbean, and American culinary cultures found in New Orleans over the past 300 years. At the foundations of a Creole feast are these things: the permeating influence of the city's classical French heritage, the fruits de mer that make southern Louisiana the most biologically diverse coastline in the continental US, and the Creole chef's propensity for showmanship both with flavor and presentation. That being said, tell your local wine-seller about the menu to elicit a wine recommendation, or if you decide to trust me, take my suggestion.

Wine Suggestions: Chardonnay (not too sweet, this goes famously with both crab and fish), Pinot Noir (delicate enough not to obstruct flavor, red enough to have some flavor), Zinfandel or Primitivo (pairs with almost anything with frightening success).

Dress Code will be strictly enforced.

Please read below for clarification of the rules.


Respectfully,

your neighbor, the goat.

A visual document of Gastricolium I

We, the Gastrinauts, thank all the Gastricolites for making Gasticolium I a success. Here are selected pictures of the event.
First, we went to several markets, including two farmer markets, to look for the best ingredients.

We toasted in honor of Gastraea, to declare the cooking officially started.
Food was prepared with care.
And we read a passage out of Brillat-Savarin's book.
Drinks were served.
And people feasted.
Please post your comments, reactions or suggestions to Gastriculium I.

Stay tunned for Gastricolium II, where we will continue pushing the artistic expression of dinner-club cuisine.

The Saucier's Reasoning

We must consider as leading sauces the espangnole, veloute, allemande, and bechamel, because with these four sauces we can compose a very great number of small sauces, of which the seasoning differs infinitely. . . .
It is in following this reasoning that I have, I dare say, created an infinite number of new things of which my books carry the indelible mark; and in order to obtain the same results, all that is necessary is a little good sense, and occupying oneself without relaxation in the progress of the science which one professes.

-Marie-Antoine Careme in his Art of French Cooking in the 19th Century.